Invited to a Party At DL's House

My best friend had a baby, and our culture celebrates within days, but which woman wants to be bogged down with entertaining right after a baby is born? Her in-laws were considering throwing this, and when I visited her in the hospital, both her and SH said they would let me know when they found out.

It was Saturday during the day when I got the message from C__. The party was on, and it was in a few hours. My whole family was invited, but as we had no earlier notice, my husband had already made plans to go watch a fight at his friends place. That left the two of us to go to see C__ and her daughter, and this was fine with my husband. So once I was ready, we were off, but not before receiving a text from DL - she must have told him I was coming over "Don't forget my boobs!" he jokes. Presumptuous, yes, but still made me laugh.

I see his little cousin as soon as I pull in. He asked if I needed help though I insisted I was fine. Before I made it to the door, C__ was there to help me, silly thing, she just had the baby, and I chastised her for coming outside just for me. SH greeted me once I was inside. People looked over to see who I was, but we had to get back upstairs quickly since the music was so loud. Funny thing about this kind of party; the guest of honour really has no place in it all.

We were upstairs in their makeshift bedroom with the babies who were ready to eat, but babies are fussy, needy, and those needs can change on a whim, so I am no where near exaggeration when I say it was at least a couple hours before they were asleep. But well before they fell asleep, I texted DL to bring us up two beers. It took him a while, but soon he opened the door. There we were, face to face, and  I could barely look at him. He chided me for asking for the beers, especially as C__ just had the baby, but even the doctors say a beer or a glass of wine now and again may even be a good thing for the baby. Keep in mind, he only teased me about it as he readily handed over the beers. We made some small talk, but his sister, his niece, and even his parents started making their way upstairs, so it was more comfortable for all of us if everyone cleared out of the room, including him, and he didn't want any awkward moments, so he returned downstairs to the rest of his friends. Five minutes later I get his text: "Sexy girl!" Hmph. I text back "Where?" I will not give him the satisfaction of thinking he can pick up where we left off.

And why not? Is pride keeping me aloof? Is monogamy kicking in? Am I just too busy for the bullshit on-again off-again? He never broke my heart, and I didn't break his, so my actions aren't rooted in fear. Is my libido that low that I just don't give a damn? Am I that busy that his affections are little more than flattery?

The most telling thing of all is that spark of excitement and electric thrill you feel when you come face to face with your lover. I didn't feel it. I felt something. I felt the raw turn-on of our flirty banter that I knew everyone around us could pick up the vibe though we did nothing overtly inappropriate. But did he make my heart melt? Did my insides throb as we glanced at each other from across the crowded room? Did I wish we could disappear to the washroom when I leaned out the door to ask him to get me another drink in front of  everyone? Surprisingly, no.

I really thought I would fall right back into irresistible lust when I saw him again after a whole year had passed. Instead, when he walked me out to the car, what I felt was a warm affection and was more worried about keeping our distance as I showed me photos on his phone while others were leaving the house. Does this mean it's over? Not necessarily. But it doesn't mean it's going to pick up where we left off. I think this is the beginning of something entirely new.

Dumped Angel

I know he contacted me just to drop this juicy tidbit. He says she was too cloying and clingy. Her extreme youth and lack of direction were antagonizing his patience.And above all, she harped on his frequent drinking and binge outings with his friends. Am I surprised? No. I thought he would stick it out with her because she would never leave him for these things, only complain. I guess the complaining got too much for even him.

I initially teased him about the breakup, asking 'so why did she leave you?' but for all purposes, even though he tried to play up the honesty of that joke, it just wasn't true. Unfortunately, he left the only girl who would put up with his nonsense (as his honest to goodness girlfriend). But I could see his point; there is only so much effort one can put into a relationship that lacks the maturity to handle it. She couldn't see that this was the man she chose and he wasn't about to change for her, even for her, the one he was so smitten with would eventually leave their shared dinner for a beer with the boys, and he would do this on a regular basis.

So why is he telling me all this? Why the specific phone call? Why is he talking about coming over to see me? All of a sudden, he has time, and he sneaks in a joke here and there about picking up where we left off. And I'm of two minds of the whole thing.

Part of me knows he's given me breathing space and he gave himself a fighting chance at his own relationship. Another part of me knows he's calling because he's returning to his comfort zone now that he's free. And yet another part of me knows he's given me my breathing space, because there were reasons I needed a year away from him, and now that the year is up (almost to the date), he's testing the waters. So it begs the question; why did he get involved with his precious Angel for the year we clearly were on a needed break? Was she filler for the time? Did he need the distraction? Or was it all a happy coincidence that the chips fell into place at the most opportune time? Any of these could be true. But my overactive imagination keeps wondering which of these is true.

One thing is for sure; it doesn't matter how much time goes between us speaking to each other - it always is easy and heartwarming. His voice still has a calming and exciting effect on me. And that's a wonderful thing. It's also a dangerous thing.

On Jealousy

I had a conversation with some friends about non-monogamous relationships and the idea of jealousy came up. What is it? How does it manifest itself? Does it truly exist, or is it an accusation we hurl at others to justify our behaviour? The thoughts of my friends shaped what I thought about the concept, and in the end, I came up with the response below to cover what I believe jealousy to be.

On Jealousy:

Jealousy exists naturally. So does monogamy. But then again, so does polygamy. People are not constant creatures, we never were. Our tastes and needs change. We adapt in times of scarcity and indulge in times of abundance. We have succeeded as animals because we are driven to survive. Sometimes monogamy fits the bill as in times when we nurture our families. Sometimes we seek out multiple mates to ensure we have the as many  offspring to assure some will survive. It is in our nature when we are driven to the extremes.

Is this different from our closest primate relatives? Not in the essence of mate selection. They show preferences and they change over time. I'm not saying we're like chimps, but there are some base similarities when you strip away the evolution of civilization. Hell, in some cultures today, polygamy is the rule, not the exception. And in the chimps, as in today's polygamist cultures, we still see jealousy. We inherently want to 'own' things. Owning bring with it power. We want. A chimp has food, the other chimps want it, and he has to guard it. A man has many wives and won't let them see the light of the outside world for fear that they may touch another man. Both are examples of exerting power.

Open relationships where all parties are free of jealousy means there is no power struggle. Jealousy from any corner means there is a perceived threat. That threat can be loss of a partner or even more - loss of support from that partner could be worse that losing the partner outright. I think jealousy is the natural emotion, the instinct, and we must learn socially how to repress that selfish emotion.  We've learned (especially in the free world) that we are all equals with equal rights, and the highest expression of this notion is to void jealousy.

On The Record with Alaris

I read an interview a while back - an enigmatic blogger interviewing a renowned blogger, both whom I follow with great interest. It was wonderful to read - you learn more about the interviewer and the interviewee through the questions and answers. I mentioned to both how much I enjoyed their repartee, and the interviewer asked how I would feel about an interview.

I had never really considered it. Of course, us bloggers typically have disproportionately huge egos - it appeals to our vanity to be interviewed. It makes us easy bait for any arch-enemy. I could see Bugs Bunny tripping up Yosemite Sam with a pen and pad of paper in hand while wearing a suit jacket and spectacles asking about his recipe for rabbit fricassee. Except I haven't the dashing handlebar mustache of Yosemite Sam and I'm assuming Alaris doesn't have Bugs' conspicuously long... ears (what body part did you think I was going to say?) I just couldn't turn down the opportunity!

I loved his questions for their insight and wit - it was a fun experience. For the interview, please visit Alaris's blog at Alaris's Space. I enjoy his writing - I'm sure you will too.

Guilt, Expectations, and Deserving Honesty

Guilt is a funny thing. I feel no guilt with DL because there is no expressed and agreed to commitment. With H, he was absent enough for it to feel acceptable so I felt no guilt because I was given a certain length of 'coping' (with which I could have easily hung myself).  Let's not quibble over moral right and wrong, but that's how I saw it.

But now I am a little confused. I see H's sacrifices a little more clearly. He changes his lifestyle to be more physically present and more emotionally and financially supportive. Sure, I sacrifice too, he doesn't question that, in fact he does all he can to assist, but  he bears his sacrifice in silence. We have each other for support., but he tries to be as strong as he possibly can without complaint, and that is a wonderful thing. And this is what brings in a twinge of guilt.

He goes above and beyond my expectations. He is a perfect mate. He endures hardship to ensure my comfort. He wasn't always this way. He has grown into our relationship and is far more caring and nurturing than he ever was before. All he asks in return is to be a good mate in return, and for him, this includes unequivocal  monogamy. Doesn't a person who expresses such trusting  and honest affection deserve to have their relationship expectations met? Hard question to answer, especially when I don't feel any differently about wanting a to have the odd naughty night out.

So what's a girl to do? Thankfully I don't feel the urge to do anything naughty at the moment. I have some time to mull this over. My libido tends to wake up in the spring when I'm coming out of hibernation, so these are the timelines I'm anticipating. 

How potent must lust be to dissolve guilt? It's sad that I know there is an answer to this question, because it means I know that I can always succumb if all the elements fall into the right place.

Reflections on 2011

I have a tradition of really thinking of thankfulness and blessings every year, and since I've started this blog I've posted that list. Some items are the same, some have changed. After all, one year is a long time in which we can grow and change. So to continue with my tradition...

Happy New Year y'all.
________________________________________



I am grateful for working on my own terms.

I am grateful for having the power to choose the path of my career.

I am grateful for past coworkers and will never forget the value they add to my life.

I am grateful for my successes and failures.

I am grateful for being financially stable.

I am grateful for our warm and comforting home and having plenty of people to fill it.

I am grateful for a full fridge and stocked larder.

I am grateful for the his and hers cars in our driveway.


I am grateful for my faith.

I am grateful for my good health and reliable medical care.

I am grateful for my strength.

I am grateful for my freedom.

I am grateful for the ability to exercise my rights.

I am grateful for my education, affording me my analytical and rational mind.

I am grateful for all the challenges I have had in my life.

I am grateful for having such wonderful, supportive, and loving parents.

I am grateful for having a sister who keeps me on the straight and narrow, or at least tries to.

I am grateful for those partners found by and who complete my loved ones.

I am grateful for having the chance to know my grandparents and listen to all their wisdom and learn something of my ancestry.

I am grateful for growing up Guyanese.

I am grateful for my large, rambunctious, quick-witted and humourous family.

I am grateful for cousins who are more like brothers and sisters.


I am grateful for my mother who has gone above and beyond helping me this year.

I am grateful for friendship.

I am grateful for fellow bloggers who test my boundaries.

I am grateful for the extra special blog-friends who will continue to be friends regardless of the blog.

I am grateful for having my boys who don't treat me like a girl.

I am grateful for having my girls who never judge me.

I am grateful for the circle of friends who are more like family.

I am grateful for love.

 I am grateful for the greatest blessing in my future or my past; my daughter.

I am grateful for my marriage.

I am grateful for a husband who is the best partner he can be.

I am grateful for my stepdaughter and goddaughter and the honest affection in their eyes.

I am grateful for experiencing joy and love beyond words to the point where it draws tears from your eyes.

I am grateful for having someone love me so completely they are willing to let me go.

I am grateful for orgasms.

I am grateful for my love of writing, which leads me to my pride in my novels and my poetry.

I am grateful for my imagination.

I am grateful for orgasms.

I am grateful for knowing when to stop.

I am grateful for life.


Blessings:

I ask God to bless those I love.

My Daughter

My Parents

My Sister

My Husband

My Step-Daughter

My Goddaughter

Her Godfather

My Sister's New Boyfriend

My Brother in Law

My Sister in Law

My Husband's Parents

My Grandmother

His Grandfather

Our Late Grandparents

My dear Cousins (including the Crew)

His Cousins

My Aunts and Uncles

His Aunts and Uncles

My Friends (both in real life and here, in this wonderful world of blogging)

My Co-Workers (and his)

My Pundit

All who are in poor health, may you recover
All who have recently lost a loved one, may your sorrow be managed through the love of family
All who are in dire straits, may your burdens be lightened by future successes
All who have suffered, may you pains be removed
All who need assistance, may you receive help
All who are closeminded, may your eyes be opened
All who are in dispair, may you have the devine ispiration of hope

Ongoing Adultery?

Who's feeling naughty?

I've been reveling in the dirty doings of my blogger friends. Those in 'the business', those in 'the lifestyle' and those who are just having really great sex.

I'm at a crossroads at the moment. I love H with all my heart. He's a great man who deserves fidelity. I'm glad I had what I did with DL, but I'd rather end it on my terms than on his. Of course, I'm saying this before I have the chance to see him face to face, and we all know how far my intentions go when we finally meet up after some time. Just put me beside a window and out they go.

I'm still interested in some playtime fun. I never considered DL 'playtime fun'. So where does this leave me? This leaves me with maybe a few trusted playmates whom I can call on to explore some interesting extra curricular activities.

I want to have my head on straight before I make any decisions. I like that I don't regret any of my decisions when it comes to my sex life. I want it to stay that way. So it will take some time to figure out how I want to handle this.

How do I continue playing around while being good to my husband?

Do I want fidelity? Will I be able to face H if I continue to play? Will I really feel he deserves fidelity from me?

As much as I love DL, do I really care about putting any effort into reigniting anything physical between us?

Which decision will make me happy? Which is the most fulfilling outcome?


...do any of you have some weight to throw in on this decision?